u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
