I wannas sexs uuuuu
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize