Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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