I feel like abortions should bother me more
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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