My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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