I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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