haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
