dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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