I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
