i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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