I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My ass is underappreciated
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
