Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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