Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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