Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
