If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
