Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
They took my balls.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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