If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
