Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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