My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
