literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
