Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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