I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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