she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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