i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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