It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
