now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
