His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Are we still banned from the library?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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