(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize