She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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