wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just invented taco cereal.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
