i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize