Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
