She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
