after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
