Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
