I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
