direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize