Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
