I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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