My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
