i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
