I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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