i permit you to call me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
