Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
