I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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