I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
