maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
