I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
