I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
