That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
