I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
