if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
