Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
