I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
