I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's shark week go big or go home
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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