There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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