It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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