So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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