you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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