You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
