i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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