summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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