it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
