the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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